The Simpsons : The Secret Life of Homer Simpson - Scorpio Returns!

The Simpsons: a fanscript

The Simpsons
The Secret Life Of Homer Simpson: Scorpio Returns!

by Steve Armstrong, Vancouver, Canada, 2002.


BART WRITES ON THE BLACKBOARD: “I AM NOT LEADING A DOUBLE LIFE”.
IN MUSIC CLASS, LISA PLAYS “PETER GUNN”.
THE SIMPSONS RUN INTO THE LIVING ROOM WHERE MARGE SHAKES MARTINIS FOR HOMER AND THEY PLAY BACCARAT.



ACT ONE

SCENE 1: IN THE SIMPSONS’ BEDROOM THE ALARM GOES OFF AT 7:00AM AND MARGE WAKES UP FULLY REFRESHED.

MARGE

Rise and shine sleepyhead. Homer! Sheesh! How a grown man can sleep eight hours and still be tired I’ll never know. Lazybones.

HOMER

Uhhh.


SCENE 2: HOMER IS AT WORK WATCHING CANADIAN FOOTBALL IN HIS UNDERPANTS. HE IS TALKING TO MARGE ON THE PHONE. ON HIS DESK IS AN UNFINISHED SAFETY REPORT DATED 1992.

HOMER

...don’t worry, Marge. If someone comes in I’ll just say I’m using the radiation from the TV to dry the work-related fluid I spilled on my pants whilst working, which I am still doing even in my current state of relative pantlessness. Besides, there’s absolutely nothing to do around here. I fulfilled all my jobly duties hours ago. This place runs like a well-greased nuclear sundial.

ANNOUNCER (O.S.)

...beautiful day here at ‘Big O Stadium’ where the Edmonton Eskimos take on the hometown favorites.


SCENE 3: IN THE SIMPSONS’ LIVING ROOM, MARGE HAS THE CAT IN HER ARMS. SHE SWITCHES ON THE GAME, FROM THE NEW YORK STOCK EXCHANGE REPORT MAGGIE WAS WATCHING. MAGGIE IS ANNOYED.

MARGE

Big O’s, eh?. This I gotta see... oh. Football.

HOMER

Mmmm. Bundt cake.


SCENE 4: ON TELEVISION, FOOTBALL PLAYERS WEARING SNOWSHOES AND FUR PARKAS ARE BEING CHASED BY DOGSLEDS DOWN A FIELD WHICH SEEMS TO GO ON FOREVER.


SCENE 5: BACK IN HOMER’S OFFICE. ENTER CARL.

HOMER

(SCREAMS) CARL! I was... I mean I was going to... I mean I was looking for a...

HOMER HANGS UP ON MARGE.

CARL

Relax Homer, I just came in to watch the game with ya. How the hell are those Eskimos of mine doing? I bet Lenny a six pack of Duff on ‘em.

HOMER

Shoein’ past ‘em like they were on snowmobiles. Woo-hoo!

HOMER AND CARL ‘HIGH-FIVE’.

CARL

Yeah! ...for God’s sakes Homer, put your pants back on.

HOMER

Right.

ENTER SMITHERS

SMITHERS

What in Blue Blazes?

CARL

... duhhh, which has the same frequency coefficient as this VHF station would. So no matter what you may have heard - Oh, hi, Mister Smithers. We was just talking about how the Nuclear Reactor emits no more radiation than this ordinary portable television set which I brought in today for this educational demonstration.

CARL POCKETS HOMER’S TV.

HOMER
(SADLY)
D’oh.

SMITHERS

That still doesn’t explain...

CARL

Uh, he asked if I could demonstrate...

SMITHERS

Yes..?

CARL

Well, I said “You bet your pants.”
(ASIDE)
You know how dense Homer can be.

HOMER LOOKS AROUND WITH SHIFTY EYES.

SMITHERS

Yeah, that’s fine. Tell me, does Jean-Pierre La Poof still play for the Allouettes?

CARL

And how! Did you know that La Poof shoed over twenty-two hundred Career-Kilometers scoring over Tuk Tiuktuk’s all time record set back in 1963?

SMITHERS

Fascinating. I knew Jean Pierre back in Graduate school. We worked out at the same gym. I lived in upstate New York, just across the border from where he lived in downprovince Quebec. We used to go out for Poutine with fries all the time.
In fact, you might say that being so close to so many Frenchmen is how I discovered I was, ummm, bilingual. I do remember, he was quite the athlete way back then, too. Hmmm.


SCENE 6: SMITHERS DAYDREAMS HE IS A ‘YOUNG MAN’ WORKING OUT WITH LA POOF AT THE YMCA. THE VILLAGE PEOPLE’S “YMCA” PLAYS ON A GHETTO-BLASTER.


SCENE 7: STILL IN HOMER’S OFFICE.

CARL

No kidding?

SMITHERS

Really. Actually, you’d be surprised to know how many professional athletes are gaaah friends of mine.

CARL

Hey! Decent! Do you think you can get us tickets?

ENTER BURNS.

BURNS

Smithers, where the Devil have you been? I’ve been looking all over for you!

SMITHERS

Sir! I was, ahhh, investigating a worker’s complaint...

SMITHERS LOOKS AROUND FRANTICALLY AND SEES “HOMER J. SIMPSON, SAFETY INSPECTOR” PAINTED ON THE DOOR.

SMITHERS

... regarding an unsafe ahhh...

BURNS

Unsafe? Why that’s completely absurd! Don’t you remember? I specifically said “No complaints about working conditions” and immediately thereafter called it, stamped it and touched blue to make it true.


SMITHERS

That’s what I told his supervisor, here, who was responsible for bringing the matter to my attention. As I was saying: good work, Carl. Simpson! Back to work!

THEY EXIT. HOMER’S PHONE RINGS.

HOMER

D’oh! Nyellow?

DOUG

Homer Simpson, eh? This is Doug MacKenzie of the Canadian Introspective Association in Shelbyville calling, eh? That there poem you ordered is ready for pick-up, eh?

HOMER
Oh, I see.

HOMER HAS SHIFTY EYES.

DOUG

Oh, I see you see, eh?

HOMER

Oh, I see you see I see you are for C.I.A.

DOUG

Oh I see you are too, eh?


HOMER WRITES ON A BOOK OF MATCHES “ O.I.C.U.R.2 A.”

HOMER

Exactly. I’ll be right in to pick it up.

HOMER HANGS UP AND LOOKS ABOUT WITH SHIFTY EYES.


SCENE 8: HOMER HOLDS UP THE BOOK OF MATCHES TO COMPARE IT TO THE SIGN ON THE DOOR IN FRONT OF HIM “CENTRAL INTELLIGENCE AGENCY: OPERATIVES INFORMATION CENTER UNDERGROUND ROOM 2A.” HOMER OPENS THE DOOR AND GOES INSIDE. THERE IS A RECEPTION AREA. HOMER THROWS HIS HAT ON THE COATRACK.

HOMER

Ah, Ms. Mo-moneypenny, always a pleasure. How have you been, dear?

MO-MONEYPENNY

Wasting away my girlhood years waiting for you. As if it does me a spit of good, for all you care.

HOMER

Baby, I care. You know I do.

MO-MONEYPENNY

Then tell me: when are you going to tell your wife about us?

HOMER

When is your boss going to stop needing it be kept a secret?

MO-MONEYPENNY
(SIGHS)
Go right in. He’s waiting for you.


SCENE 9: INSIDE A HI-TECH CAVERN FILLED WITH SCIENTISTS TESTING GADGETS, HOMER IS GREETED BY A SCIENTIST, HUGH.

HUGH

It’s about time Simpson! Where the Devil have you been?

HOMER

Working in his Nuclear plant, Hugh.

HUGH

You call that working? Honestly. Lets hurry along - put that down! “W” has been waiting nearly three and a half minutes now!

HUGH BRINGS HOMER BEFORE THE BIG BOSS, KNOWN AS “W”.

DOUBLE-U

Homer, at last we meet. Call me Dubya. This here’s my bestest bud in the whole wide world: Chad. Chad’s from Florida. Single-handedly won us the election, he did.

HOMER

Hi Chad. How’d you manage that?

CHAD

Just by hanging in there.

DOUBLE-U

Homer, as you know your old adversary Hank Scorpio has been in hiatus. We ain’t heard a moondog’s yowl outta him since he used his doomsday device to level the FOX Network’s Studios.

HOMER

Yeah. He did us all a favor there.

DOUBLE-U

Boy howdy. That’s why how come they left him set a spell without going after the rascal, I tell you what. But dang it, Homer, if he don’t go stir up a mess a trouble as soon as I have one shindig with Ricky Martin as the Maitre-dee. So I need you to go settle that boy’s hash... with extreme prejudice. I thank you Homer, and it was very nice not meeting you.

EXIT “W” AND CHAD. HUGH TAKES HOMER ASIDE.

HUGH

Come on Simpson, I have a few goodies for you, and there’s a car to pick up from Special Agent Kaye. And for gosh sakes Simpson! Be careful with that!


SCENE 10: THERE IS A GARAGE. A CAR DRIVES BY WITH THUGS IN THE FRONT SEAT AND MILHOUSE BOUND AND GAGGED IN THE BACK. INSIDE THE GARAGE, THE MECHANIC, AGENT KAYE, IS WIPING HIS HANDS ON A RAG AND INTIMIDATING HANS MOLEMAN. HANS’ CAR IS A ‘57 CHEVY NOMAD.

KAYE

Yeah, well your oscillating Reticulator needs a complete recalibration and your Confabulizor’s gonkulator has to be bored thirty-thou over and recomexualized. You do know they use platinum to do that, right?

HANS

Yes, I guess so.

KAYE

Oh...and your frame is bent in about twenty-six places.

HANS

Is that bad?

KAYE

I figure seventy-two hundred bucks -just for the parts. Then there’s Labor. Oh, and I’ll need to get some special tools machined to set up the viscous harmonic balancer - IF I can find a replacement. Their shop time is like a thousand bucks an hour. Plus tax.

HANS

Oh, dear. I guess I’ll be taking the bus from now on. Do you think you could call the scrap-metal man for me?

KAYE

Don’t you worry, Mister Moleman, I’ll take care of everything. You’re a nice guy and I’m gonna help you out. Just sign this Transfer of Ownership and, what the hey, just to show what a good guy I am, I’ll give you the twenty-five bucks he’ll give me for the iron in this piece of crap.

HANS

Oh, bless you. It’s so good to meet a businessman who still makes that extra effort in this day and age.

KAYE

Less talk. More signing.

ENTER HOMER. KAYE GREETS HIM AND TAKES HIM ASIDE.

HOMER
(SIGHS)
Two paychecks and you’re still shaking down the public. Honestly, Kaye, you’re such a character.

KAYE

What can I say? I love my jobs.
HOMER

That’s great. So, you’ve got some wheels for me?

KAYE

Parked ‘round back.

KAYE HANDS HOMER THE KEYS AND THEY BOTH HAVE SHIFTY EYES.



ACT TWO

SCENE 1: INSIDE MOE’S TAVERN, MOE AND SNAKE MAKE QUIET TALK WHEN MAYOR QUIMBY WALKS INTO THE BAR.

SNAKE
(EXITING)
Diamond Joe.

QUIMBY

Hello, Elvis. How is er, um, your mother?

SNAKE

Addyday, how many times do I have to tell you? Ixnay on the Elvisay!

EXIT SNAKE.
MOE

Snake’s real name is Elvis?

QUIMBY

Yes. I remember his mother was a real Elvis Fan. Er, um, I mean that’s what I’ve been told about the subject. Now let’s just keep it under our hats, see? Seems he’s a little sensitive about the issue.

MOE

Yeah, no kidding, a little sensitive. “Hey Elvis, well swish-swish and la-di-dah” if you catch my meaning. Heh-heh.

QUIMBY

I’m afraid I don’t. However I’ll not stand by and listen to you disparage the King.

MOE

Sure. Whatever. Take it easy. I don’t see what Yul Brynner has to do with anything anyways. Sheesh. Here have a Drambuie. That’s Scottish. It means Southern Comfort.

QUIMBY

Look, (SLURP) I’m a busy man. Did you get the stuff or did you not?

MOE

Sure. I got it.

QUIMBY

So hand over the goods. Burns is waiting.

MOE REACHES UNDER THE BAR AND PULLS OUT A LARGE PILE OF FILES MARKED “TOP SECRET”. EVERYONE HAS SHIFTY EYES. EXIT QUIMBY.


SCENE 2: OUTSIDE MOE’S BAR, BARNEY SITS IN A WHEELCHAIR.

HOMER

Oh no! What happened to you Barney?

BARNEY

Oh nothing. Word on the street is you get better handouts if you look really pathetic. I’m saving up to get a puppy or two, and probably a ferret. Spare some change?

HOMER

Get a job.

HOMER GOES INSIDE MOE’S BAR.

BARNEY

But this is my job. I’m a Panhandler by trade.


SCENE 3: BACK INSIDE MOE’S BAR THE BOOZEHOUNDS WATCH TV.

ANNOUNCER

Coming up next: the tenth season premiere of “I Can’t Believe You’re Watching This” followed by “Unbelieved Stories” only on Fox!

LENNY

That’s for sure!

HOMER

One more home before I go beer to my loving family, Moe.

MOE

One more? Uhhh, OK Homer, here’s your beer and that’s... four bucks... ‘cause ya still owe me for the last one..?

HOMER

Whatever you say man, you’re the Moe!
MOE

That I am Homer.
(S.V.)
Heh, heh, heh. You freakin’ moron.


SCENE 4: IN THE SIMPSONS’ LIVING ROOM HOMER WATCHES TV WITH LISA AND MAGGIE. MARGE ENTERS WITH A PLATE OF APPLES AND TRIPS.

MARGE

Oopsy.

THE APPLES BURST INTO FLAMES UPON HITTING THE FLOOR.

HOMER

Whew! That was a close one. Thank God for the laws of nature.

BART ENTERS CARRYING A HUGE PACK OF “EXCESS” GUM. HE SITS DOWN, UNWRAPS IT AND HOLDS THE TINY PIECE OF GUM IN HIS FINGERS.

BART

All that packaging for one lousy piece of gum? ... Cool!

BART WATCHES TV. THE PHONE RINGS, BART ANSWERS.

BART (CONT.)

Hello? Hey Milhouse. You say it’s your dog's birthday today? Hey! It’s my dog’s birthday, too. And somebody else’s, but I can’t think of who so it must be nobody important, like Justin Bieber or Al Gore.

HOMER
(SADLY)
D’oh.

BART

...yeah, so it’s funny how those guys could mistake you for Elijah Wood. Well, sure, I suppose you could take it as a compliment. Yeah I’m glad you got away and all that, I guess... Ahhh, geez, would you look at what passes for a pop-star these days. Kids today all dress like they’re cartoon characters. Like, Dude, pull up your pants. I gotta go, Milhouse. No, you're just boring me.

BART HANGS UP THE PHONE. MARGE GOES BACK INTO THE KITCHEN AND RETURNS WITH A GIANT WEDDING CAKE WHICH SHE GIVES TO THE DOG.

HOMER
(SADLY)
D’oh.


SCENE 5: IN THE SIMPSONS’ BEDROOM, HOMER AND MARGE TALK IN BED.

LISA (O.S)

Mom! How come I haven’t gotten any lines yet?

MARGE

That’s nice, Honey. So, tell me, Homie, who were you planning on hiring to re-do the upstairs bathroom?

HOMER

I thought we’d hire that guy who owns the comic-book store.

MARGE

Ewww. Why him?

HOMER

You told me he was a big “master-painter” of some sort.

MARGE

That’s not quite what I said. Anyway, we really should do something about it soon, I’m afraid even the wood is starting to rust.

HOMER

Don’t you worry honey, I’ll get someone first thing in the... (SNORES)

MARGE FALLS ASLEEP AND MOMENTS LATER HOMER SNEAKS AWAY ON LISA’S BICYCLE.


SCENE 6: HOMER RIDES LISA’S BIKE TO THE ALLEY BESIDE MOE’S BAR. HE PULLS THE KEYS OUT OF HIS POCKET AND BEEPS THE REMOTE.



ACT THREE

SCENE 1: HOMER DRIVES HIS STEALTH FERRARI 200 MPH THROUGH SPRINGFIELD STREETS, POLICE RADAR, AND HIGHWAYS UNDETECTED TO CYPRESS CREEK. IT IS THREE O’CLOCK IN THE MORNING. HOMER PULLS UP TO SCORPIO’S PALATIAL ESTATE. HANK IS EDGING HIS LAWN WITH A GAS POWERED WEED TRIMMER.

HOMER

Mornin’ Hank. You’re up early.

HANK

Homer! Good to see you! Actually I’m still up. You see, I only sleep eight hours every other night. I figure that way I’m traveling at one and a half times the speed of life. Hey! Wasn’t it your birthday yesterday?

HOMER

Yeah. You remembered.

HANK

Of course I remembered. How could anyone forget? Happy birthday, ya big lug... Hey, how’re those Broncos treating you?

HOMER

OK, I guess. Thanks.

HOMER SIGHS, LOOKING AT A SPORTS PAGE.

HOMER (CONT.)

Know any coaches who’ll work for minimum wage?

HANK

I’ll keep an ear to the ground. So Homer, tell me, what brings you here in the middle of the night?

HOMER

Stealth Ferrari.

HANK

Sweet. I mean why are you here?

HOMER

Ahhh, presidential orders. I’ve been told to shut you down.

HANK

Damn! I hate when that happens. C’mon inside, I’ll show you what all the fuss is about. You like lemonade? That's too bad because I don't have any. If I had known you were coming I would have made some, but I'm a businessman, Homer. I don't always have time for lemonade. Look at me, preaching to the choir.


SCENE 2: HANK SCORPIO STANDS AT A VOICE COMMAND CONSOLE ON THE WALL IN HIS UNDERGROUND FACILITY.

COMPUTER

Password?
HANK

Birdie num-nums.

COMPUTER

Repeat password.

HANK

Just open the door you idiot!


SCENE 3: A GIANT DOOR OPENS AND HANK LEADS HOMER INTO A HUGE EMPTY ROOM WITH A SINGLE CHAIR IN THE CENTER OF IT. ON THE CHAIR IS WHAT LOOKS LIKE A LAPTOP COMPUTER, PLUGGED INTO A LONG EXTENSION CORD.

HOMER

Nice room.

HANK

Thanks. I dug it myself.

HOMER

All for this?

HANK

It’s an electric generator. It’s my latest invention.

HOMER

I know. It’s very nice.

HANK

Thanks. It could save humanity.

HOMER

Yeah... so what’s up with that, anyways? Aren’t you generally trying to enslave humanity?

HANK

Save. Enslave. Potaytoe. Patahtoe.

HOMER
(CHUCKLES)
I see what you mean. Seriously, though, do you think you could knock it off for just a few years? Just until all the old timers have had one last go of it. These clean energy sources will devastate the old codgers. Nobody’ll buy their oil after this thing hits the Wal-Mart. They have swanky lifestyles to uphold, Hank. You can see the bind they’re in.

HANK

Well, I guess so. For you, Homer: anything. Hey! You want to go see my hemp lumber plant? Lumber has a million uses, you know. I make it out of hemp and old tires!

HOMER

Maybe next time.

HANK

OK, how ‘bout my ozone regenerating station?

HOMER

Maybe next time.

HANK

OK. Hey, you want to go fishing? I just got some sparkling neon hoochies!

HOMER

Now you’re talking! We’ll take my car.

HANK

Can I drive?
HOMER

Only if you put some shoes on.

HANK

Great. Just let me make one quick phone call.


SCENE 4: IN THE SIMPSONS’ BEDROOM, HOMER TIPTOES INTO BED AT 6:59AM. AS HIS HEAD HITS THE PILLOW, THE ALARM GOES OFF AT 7:00AM AND MARGE WAKES UP FULLY REFRESHED.

MARGE

Rise and shine sleepyhead. Homer! Sheesh! How a grown man can sleep eight hours and still be tired I’ll never know. Lazybones.

HOMER

Uhhh.


SCENE 5: OUTSIDE, THE NEWSPAPER LANDS ON THE SIMPSONS’ DOORSTEP. THE HEADLINE READS: “SUPER VILLAIN SCORPIO TO ENSLAVE HUMANITY. GAS PRICES RISE”.

Copyright © 2002 Steve Armstrong, Vancouver, Canada. (Edited 2011.)

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