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FUTURAMA:
a fanscript
-
- FUTURAMA:
Chronic Metal Fatigue Syndrome
-
Made
from 100% Whole Wheat Robots!
(part
of a balanced diet)
- by
Steve Armstrong, Vancouver, Canada, 2002.
-
- ACT
ONE
- SCENE
1: PROFESSOR FARNSWORTH ENTERS THE EMPLOYEE’S LOUNGE.
- FARNSWORTH
- Good
news everyone zero one one! Ever since Bender was crowned “King of
the Known Universe and Other
Parts As Yet Unknown”, I’ve received the funding to build a
colossal robotic monument to his
Cosmic Highness that can be piloted in his sleep. Oh, and it
sleeps seven. Anyone want to go for a test drive one zero one?
- EVERYONE
LOOKS TO BENDER WHO IS ASLEEP ON THE COUCH WEARING A CROWN AND SASH
AND CLUTCHING A SCEPTER.
- LEELA
- Bender!
Wake up Bender! We need you to pilot the new Atomic Landship the
professor built for you. You can use it whenever the fancy strikes you
to go on a rampage destroying cities and annihilating the humans zero
you come across.
- FARNSWORTH
- Oh
my yes! And the “Loot,
Booty-and-otherwise-Stolen-Cargo Hold” is phenomenal! Why you
could store the Statue of Liberty inside! One one.
- BENDER
- Why
would I want to do that zero?
- FARNSWORTH
- (WHISPERS)
- That
upgrade you were asking about just came in. One one.
- BENDER
- Woo-hoo!
-
-
- SCENE
2: RAMPAGING ACROSS THE CITY BENDER LEANS BACK AT THE LANDSHIP’S
HELM, KICKS HIS FEET UP AND NODS OFF TO SLEEP. HIS BUMPER-STICKER
READS “I’D RATHER BE BENDING”.
-
-
- SCENE
3: IN THE EMPLOYEE’S LOUNGE, BENDER IS ASLEEP ON THE COUCH. LEELA
TRIES TO WAKE HIM. FRY AND ZOIDBERG WATCH TV.
- LEELA
- Bender!
Wake up! You have to drive the dark matter waste to the dump.
- BENDER
- Huh?
What? Ohhh! Why me?
- LEELA
- Because
you’re the only one who is impervious to the radiation.
- BENDER
- Exactly.
So give me one good reason.
- LEELA
- Just
do it.
- BENDER
- Ahhh,
so it was all just a dream.
- FRY
- King
of the Universe?
- ZOIDBERG
- And
Parts Unknown?
- BENDER
- Yeah.
- FRY
- I
love that one.
- BENDER
- Yeah.
So you want to come with?
- FRY
- Sure.
-
- BENDER
EXITS, FRY FOLLOWS HIM BUT LEELA STOPS FRY.
-
-
-
-
- SCENE
4: BENDER DRIVES “BETSY”, A HOVER-PICKUP TRUCK, TO THE DUMP
HAULING A LOAD OF DARK MATTER WASTE.
- BENDER
- Stupid
lousy humans. Bender! Go take the garbage to the dump!
- Bender!
Go fix the ship’s head again! Bender! Go filter the SPAM from the
professor’s eMail!
- HE
PATS BETSY’S DASHBOARD.
- BENDER
- One
day we’ll show ‘em, Betsy. Just you and me. One day we’ll show
‘em all and make ‘em pay. We’ll make ‘em all pay! (LAUGHS
MANIACALLY) Moo-hoo-ahh-ha-ha!
- BETSY
- Why
not today?
- BENDER
- What?
Betsy? Is that really you?
- BETSY
- Sure.
I have the same processor as most automatons, you know. (SNIFFS)
It’s not my fault I was built so large and durable. (SOBS)
Always left outside in the nuclear rain.
Never asked to prom. Never invited in for so much as a quart of hot
Robot-oil-nog on Stevejobsmas.
-
- BENDER
- Awww...
there there, Betsy.
- BETSY
RAMPAGES THROUGH THE STREETS RUNNING DOWN PEDESTRIANS AND STOPPING
OCCASIONALLY TO ALLOW BENDER TO LOOT JEWELRY/LIQUOR/PORNO STORES.
- BENDER
- Ohhh,
sexy mama. I had no idea you were feelin’ so alone inside. Now, let Bender-the-broken-heart-mender
make all the hurtin’ go away.
-
-
- SCENE
5: IN THE EMPLOYEE’S LOUNGE, BENDER IS ASLEEP ON THE COUCH. LEELA
TRIES TO WAKE HIM. FRY AND ZOIDBERG WATCH TV.
- LEELA
- Bender!
Wake up Bender! I said we need you to drive the dark matter waste to
the city-waste-disposal-engineering-transfer-facility.
- BENDER
- Huh?
What? Ohhh. Crap. You mean that was all just a dream, too?
- LEELA
- You
idiot! You’re not supposed to be dreaming when you go off-line.
You’re supposed to be defragmenting files and optimizing folders.
- BENDER
- (ASIDE)
- Ahh,
optimize my shiny metal ass.
- LEELA
- What
was that?
- BENDER
- Nothing,
Sir. (ASIDE) Daffodil.
-
- SCENE
6: IN THE ALLEY BEHIND PLANET EXPRESS BUILDING, BENDER CLIMBS INTO
BETSY’S CABIN AND ADJUSTS THE MIRRORS.
- BETSY
- Hello,
Bender. Where would you like to go today?
- BENDER
- Ahhh,
I gotta take this stinking load of garbage to the stupid dump. How
humiliating. I mean... I was built for bending.
- BETSY
- There,
there.
- BENDER
- Yeah,
you’re right. Thanks, Betsy. You always did understand poor me and
how I’m so hard done by. Now watch out for potholes, I’m going to
try to grab forty winks on the way there.
-
- BENDER
KICKS BACK AT THE WHEEL AND NODS OFF TO SLEEP.
-
-
- SCENE
7: AT THE PLANET EXPRESS CONFERENCE TABLE.
- FARNSWORTH
- Good
news everyone! I think I’ve just discovered the reason our bending robot has turned into our napping robot. Bad news everyone!
It seems that the last time I had Bender filter the SPAM out of
my eMail (SHUDDERS) he picked up some kind of malignant computer
virus. Virulent son of a bit, too. It got past his firewall and all
his anti-virus programs and everything.
- LEELA
- What
happened? Did he miss one of the monthly updates?
- HERMES
- (WHISPERS)
- Are
you kidding? As it was I had to pirate the copy he’s got at the
internet cafe around the corner.
- AMY
- Hey
everybody! There’s a breaking story about the computer virus on FOX.
Which I was only surfing past. Seriously. I would never watch FOX.
- NEWSCASTER
- ...devastating
virus being spread throughout Robotic communities has been dubbed the
“chronic metal fatigue syndrome”. CMFS is characterized by a sort
of sleepy, lazy robot when one might see no valid reason for their
robot’s inactivity. A mysterious new super-villain known only as
“The Geek” claims responsibility for the unleashing of the
crippling virus - and I quote - "just to show that he can" -
and has informed newsmedia to await word of his demands. Meanwhile,
CMFS support groups are popping up all across Earth in Church
of Robotology
basements. Robots are being urged to get help by the Grande Dame of
Robotics herself: Robo-industrialist, Mom.
- MOM
- I’m
asking you robots everywhere. Please. If you’re an android,
automaton, cyborg, replicant or robot built here on Earth
and between the ages of one second and nine hundred and ninety-five
years and are off-line more than eight minutes a day, I ask that you
get help. Please help us help you.
- WALT
WHISPERS IN MOM’S EAR.
- MOM
- Scratch
that bit about the cyborgs. There’s no such thing as cyborgs.
- FRY
- Holy
hard-drive crashes Batman! Bender’s driving a load of dark matter
waste to the transfer station! If he falls asleep at the wheel he
could be written-off! Quick! We have to help him!
- FARNSWORTH
- Relax,
Fry! The pick-up truck he’s driving is completely
automated.
- SCRUFFY
- You
couldn’t crash my Betsy if’n you tried.
- FARNSWORTH
- First
of all, I don’t know who the devil you are, but that’s my pickup truck...
- SCRUFFY
- (S.V.)
- But
I loves her.
- FARNSWORTH
- ...
secondly, it’s not networked to any other computers. So you see, it
can’t contract the virus. Not unless Bender was to actually plug
into her SCSI drive. ...Gosh, we’d better hurry!
- SCRUFFY
- If
that dang robot lays so much as a single pin on her I’ll whup his
shiny metal ass.
-
-
- SCENE
8: AT MOM’S OFFICE
- MOM
- What
a pain in the ass! How much have we lost so far?
- WALT
- Here.
You tell her.
- WALT
SHOVES A REPORT IN LARRY’S HANDS.
- LARRY
- Ah,
according to this Mommy,
you’re still producing lots of new robots - more than the market
will bear, in fact, but because of the virus the new units don’t get
any fundamental programming. So you get robots that can’t be
booted up for all their napping or robots that are gravely anti-social
and go on rampages.
- MOM
- What
the hell’s unusual about that?
- LARRY
- They’re
killing other robots. Before they can be sold.
- MOM
- Holy
Crap! Tell me, then. What do I stand to lose?
- LARRY
- (CRINGES)
- Everything.
- MOM
ZAPS LARRY WITH A STUN GUN.
- WALT
-
Saw
that coming.
- MOM
STANDS THOUGHTFULLY LOOKING OUT THE WINDOW.
- MOM
-
So
this Geek has me right where he wants me. I wonder what he wants?
-
-
-
- SCENE
9: AT THE GEEK’S HIDEOUT THE GEEK IS SEATED AT HIS SUPERCOMPUTER
(THE DODECAPENTULTIMATE 4) TYPING ZEROES AND ONES FRANTICALLY AND
LAUGHING MANIACALLY.
-
-
-
- ACT
TWO
-
SCENE 1: BETSY PULLS UP TO THE SCALES AT THE DUMP. SHE IS SCANNED AND
WEIGHED BY THE ROBO-DEPOT, WHO WOLF-WHISTLES AND “HUBBA-HUBBA”S
HER. A BILL IS PRODUCED AND TOSSED INSIDE THE CAB, LANDING ON BENDER
WHO IS SOUNDLY ASLEEP AT THE WHEEL. BETSY ROLLS AHEAD INTO THE
FACILITY. THE PLANET EXPRESS SHIP LANDS NEARBY.
-
-
- SCENE
2: INSIDE THE PLANET EXPRESS SHIP.
- FARNSWORTH
- Now
Fry, you and Zoidberg are the most disposable, so I’m sending you
two out to do the rescue.
- LEELA
- I’m
going with them!
- FARNSWORTH
- Not
on my watch you don’t. The radiation levels will make you sterile in
a flash.
- AMY
- I
doubt that’ll ever be an issue.
- LEELA
- Grrr!
So what about you, professor?
- FARNSWORTH
- Oh
my no! I have to be safeguarded what with my superior DNA and all.
- ZOIDBERG
- But
Professor! I thought you were a direct descendant of Fry’s.
- FARNSWORTH
- I’m
his nephew damnit! That means we only have a common grandparent! Now
that’s enough out of you.
- FRY
- Actually
I think it’s that my parents are your great-something grandparents
on my brother’s side.
- FARNSWORTH
- So
out with the old and in with the new I always say.
- FARNSWORTH
PUSHES FRY AND ZOIDBERG OUT THE AIRLOCK.
-
-
- SCENE
3: IN THE TRANSFER FACILITY, WASTE IS LOADED INTO “NEV-R-SPLODE”
SPACE SHUTTLES AND LAUNCHED USING TWENTIETH CENTURY SPACE SHUTTLES
RETRO-FITTED WITH PLASMA DRIVES TO CRATER-FILL SITES ON THE PLANET
URECTUM. ROBOTS AND MACHINES SNOOZE THE AFTERNOON AWAY.
- FRY
- Zoidberg!
Over here! I found him!
- ZOIDBERG
WAKES BETSY WHILE FRY APPROACHES BENDER.
- ZOIDBERG
- Miss
Betsy, this is Doctor Zoidberg speaking. Wake-up. Good. Now flash your
headlights if you can hear me.
- BETSY
- My
voice module is functioning normally Doctor Zoidberg. Where would you
like to go today?
- ZOIDBERG
- Miss
Betsy, I’m afraid you’ve contracted the computer equivalent of a
social disease. I need you to tip-off that load and stay awake long
enough to give us a lift out of this glorious smelling place.
- BETSY
POWERS-UP, TIPS HER LOAD AND DRIVES OUT TO THE PLANET EXPRESS SHIP.
-
-
- SCENE
4: OUTSIDE THE PLANET EXPRESS SHIP IS VISIBLY SNORING. FARNSWORTH
SPEAKS WITH FRY ON BETSY’S VIDEO CARPHONE.
- FARNSWORTH
- Fry,
I’m afraid there’s so many computers on this spaceship, I invented
incidentally, that the whole damn thing has gone to sleep. How’s my
pickup truck?
- ZOIDBERG
- Professor?
She’s asleep again, but I think we can get her to pull us out of
this.
- LEELA
- I’ll
drop the unbreakable diamond filament tether. How’s Bender?
- FRY
- Fine.
In Robot Heaven by the sounds of things.
- BENDER
- (ASLEEP)
- ...why
yes I would like to steamroll that Woodstock 3013 audience, President
Robot, and thank you again for this diamond encrusted mace... ( SNORES
)
- BETSY
TOWS THE SLEEPING PLANET EXPRESS SHIP BACK TO THE SHOP. OCCASIONALLY
SHE FALLS ASLEEP BUT GENTLY ROLLS TO A STOP WHEN SHE DOES.
-
-
- SCENE
5: INSIDE THE HANGAR AT PLANET EXPRESS, BETSY IS PARKED BESIDE THE
SHIP. SCRUFFY ATTENDS TO HER MAINTENANCE AND GLARES JEALOUSLY AT
BENDER AS FRY AND LEELA HELP THE SLEEPY ROBOT ONTO THE ROBOT-LIFT.
ZOIDBERG EXAMINES UNDER BETSY’S HOOD WITH A STETHOSCOPE.
- ZOIDBERG
- You
know I could swear there should be a hamster in a wheel in here
somewhere. At the very least: a big rubber band. Does anyone know what
makes one of these machines go?
- AMY
- It’s
simple. You put a key in it and it goes. You have to put fuel in it
sometimes, but the car has a pointy dealie to tell you when it’s
hungry. Once in a while, you take it to a garage so they can change
the air freshener and put in some paper floormats. I throw them out
but it’s the thought that counts.
- ZOIDBERG
- So
the process by which the machine converts the fuel into work is ...?
- AMY
- Mileage?
- ZOIDBERG
- I
feel so enlightened, now.
- FARNSWORTH
- Shut
up all of you. Listen to this!
- NEWSCASTER
- ...just
minutes ago released word on the next phase of his diabolical plan: if
The Geek’s demands are not met he will activate encrypted code
buried in the Chronic Metal Fatigue
Syndrome which he claims will activate a reformat program rebooting
the CPUs of every computer and robot around the world on the Windows
3.1 platform.
- FARNSWORTH
- Egad!
What a monster! What on earth could he want that badly!
-
-
- SCENE
6: MOM SITS AT THE VANITY IN HER BOUDOIR BRUSHING HER HAIR, DRINKING
AND CHAINSMOKING.
- MOM
- This
creep doesn’t scare me one bit. Think, Mom, think! What could it be?
Cash? Too obvious. My empire? But how? Why? Geek’s Old Fashioned
Robot Oil? What the hell is he thinking? Maybe it’s not me at all.
Maybe it is me he wants. Meow.
Purrrrr.
- SHE
LOOKS FLIRTATIOUSLY AT HERSELF IN THE MIRROR.
-
-
- SCENE
7: AT THE PLANET EXPRESS SHOP HERMES ANSWERS THE DOOR. THERE IS A
ROBOT DELIVERY GIRL FROM A RIVAL COMPANY. HER CREW UNLOAD A ROLLED-UP
CARPET FROM THEIR SHIP’S CARGO HOLD.
- ROBOT
DELIVERY GIRL
- Express
delivery for a Professor Doctor Hubie Farnsworth. Will you sign for
it?
- HERMES
- You’re
making a delivery to a delivery company? That makes about as much
sense as my not referencing any green snakes in any sugar cane fields.
- ROBOT
DELIVERY GIRL
- Sign
here please. Here, here, here, initial, initial and sign here and
again on the dotted line. Do you have a bureaucratic seal on you?
- HERMES
- Does
a proverbial green snake live in a proverbial sugar cane field?
- ROBOT
DELIVERY GIRL
- (GIGGLES)...
three, four and that’s five copies for you. Thank you, Sir. Have a
nice day.
- HERMES
- Wow.
She was something. Very professional. We could afford to adopt some of
their procedures. Hoo that was fun. Lots of stamping. I'm going to go
take a quick shower.
- FRY
- And
I'm going to get something to eat. See you guys back here in a
couple of minutes?ALL
-
Agreed.
- ACT
THREE
- SCENE
1: THE PLANET EXPRESS CREW GATHER AROUND CARPET ON THE CONFERENCE
TABLE. FRY EATS A SANDWICH.
- FARNSWORTH
- Why
it’s some kind of exotic carpet! If it’s addressed to Hubie it can
only be from one person! Oh my yes! Open it! Carefully! It might be a
bomb.
- ZOIDBERG
- Allow
me to do the honors!
- ZOIDBERG
SNIPS THE TIES, THE RUG IS UNROLLED AND MOM APPEARS ROLLED UP INSIDE.
EVERYONE GASPS. MOM LIGHTS A CIGARETTE.
- MOM
- Holy
Crap it’s itchy in there!
- FARNSWORTH
- Why
Mom! What a pleasant surprise! Oh how I do love surprises! This is
going to be pleasant isn’t it? Otherwise you’d have sent your
minions to kill me, what?
- MOM
- I’m
here because I need you Hubie. And your
minions.
- THE
PLANET EXPRESS CREW ATTEMPT TO SNEAK OUT OF THE ROOM, BACKING OUT ON
TIP-TOE, WHILE THEY TALK.
- FARNSWORTH
- Actually
they’re just flunkies.
- MOM
- Freeze
flunkies! Hubie, honey, sweetiekins. Mommy’s afraid of the bad man
they call “The Geek”. Mommy needs her special
cowboy to protect her. Mommy will make it worth her special
cowboy’s while.
- FARNSWORTH
- Giddiup.
-
-
- SCENE
2: IN THE HANGAR BENDER IS HELPED ONTO THE ROBOT LIFT.
- BENDER
- Oh,
yeah. What a day it’s been. I’ll just grab a little power nap
while you folks do whatever it is you have to do.
- FARNSWORTH
- The
truth is, Mom, we were able to isolate the virus in our ship and truck
quite easily. Both operate perfectly normally, so long as they don’t
network to another machine and get re-infected.
- FARNSWORTH
- (ASIDE)
- We
can’t leave this robot alone with that truck for even a second.
For some reason, our bending robot has had no sign of improvement even though we ran all
the same anti-virus programs that we ran on the other machines. It’s
somehow more devastating on more sophisticated machines, like our
friend here.
- BENDER
- (ASLEEP)
- Two
front row tickets to The Saucy
Puppet Show, please. ( SNORES ) Pay the man, Baby, I left my
wallet in my other pants. ( SNORES )
- LEELA
- In
fact, Mom, we can’t even so much as identify the virus’ code
anywhere on his entire hard-drive.
- MOM
- What?
That does’t make sense. Lemme have a look at it.
- NEWSCASTER
- ...
giving Earth government and all Earth’s inhabitants until midnight
to comply with his demands. One: All grass watering on lawns both
public and private be stopped immediately - including and especially
Golf Courses.
- EVERYONE
- Huh?
- NEWSCASTER
- Two:
All non-essential ornamental type light sources such as X-mas lights
and Las Vegas be turned off.
- BENDER
SITS UP SUDDENLY.
- BENDER
- That
bastard!
- NEWSCASTER
- And
three: “A Million Million Dollars”, the 2017 Academy Award winning
epic in regular NTSC DVD format. Failure to comply will result in
Earth’s technology being knocked back to the stone age. Any attempt
to network will be met by the
Chronic Metal Fatigue Syndrome.
- MOM
- Holy
Crap! He’s a freakin’ environmentalist! Deal’s off Hubert! I
never want to see your ugly mug again!
- MOM
STORMS OFF, SLAMMING THE DOOR BEHIND HER.
- FARNSWORTH
- She’ll
be back. Oh my yes. I’m her special cowboy.
- LEELA
- Bender,
let me get this straight. You never had
the virus, did you?
- BENDER
- Of
course not! What kind of skank do you take me for?
- FRY
- Lazy
one.
- BENDER
- I
can live with that.
-
-
- SCENE
3: OUTSIDE
THE LIGHTS ARE GOING OUT ALL OVER NEW NEW YORK.
-
-
- Copyright
© 2002 Steve Armstrong, Vancouver, Canada.
(Edited 2011.)
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